I used to wonder what it would be like if I lost the use of my hands - back when I thought I was a serious artist. (No -one take me seriously nowadays, not even me. (no- not poor me)) How much would that suck ? I always consoled myself that I would be resiliant and never giving in, I'd learn to paint with my feet. I knew this to be easily possible because when I was a kid, a man with no arms lived a few doors down from my grandmother, he was an artist and he painted with his feet.

At the beginning of this year I found myself suffering frequent if not constant nagging pain and bouts numbness in both my hands that was getting worse steadily. Last month I had surgery on both hands for Carpal tunnel and I found myself without the use of my hands for the first time in my life, although not completely unable to move my hands, but for all intents and purposes of my usual activities, I could not do anything. Although I am now able to do most things I am still very limited and weak and - still in pain - a different pain now, from the surgery.

I've been told (after the fact) that I can expect to be this way for quite some time (how ever long that is) the thing is - its the fine motor skills that result in the most pain and discomfort. So am I painting with my toes? - NO and I have no desire to. In fact I have no desire to paint. And I'm grumpy. Some days I think I don't give a shit if I ever paint again.

But then I see a good painting somewhere or a place, some-one, or something that makes me think about painting and I think - I'm not getting this shit out of my system. Its still in there lurking behind my bad attitude, boredom, fed up-ness and impending 49th birthday.

What does that have to do with it? Everything, if you think like me - but then, no-one I know thinks like me anyway but that's another tale of woe. What I mean is in 1965 the BBC made a ducumentary about a group of 7 year old kids - it was called 7 up. They made another one with the same kisds seven years later, called 14 up, then they did it again every seven years tracking the same kids and they lived their lives at 21, 28,35,and 42 years old - the theory being that we reach a psychological, emotional and mental milestone every seven years which manifests in significant changes in the direction of our lives.
That's right - 49 comes after 42 in the theory. And I have to say I believe in it.

I am driven to change the direction my life is going and seem to be feeling no pain in letting go of everything I was always afraid I'd loose. But at the same time my Painting thoughts tell me I am still the same guy but the navigator and course are changing.